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A Day in the Life of a Wedding Officiant
1/19/08
1:00 PM: Sat down with the intention of putting the finishing touches on the wedding script. I'd put off writing the closing for nearly two months because every time I put pen to paper, I ended up with trite, sappy bullshit. I know this is a wedding, and so some sap is expected, but I'm too fucking embarrassed to even show other people this pap, let alone read it to a roomful of strangers.
2:30 PM: Put down Guitar Hero and really, for really reals, attempt to write the closing for the wedding. I sketched out a general framework for what I wanted to say the night before, but again: pap. This is where having some kind of religious tradition would be useful, since I could just read a couple obtuse selections from the Bible and be done with it. But since this is a secular operation, I'm on my own.
3:50 PM: I got nothin'. Spent over an hour trolling the internet for some meaningful, schmaltz-free quote about weddings, or even just ceremonies or rituals in general. I call Justin in desperation and we talk about Jung and Frazer for a while, but the only quotes we come up with all involve some variant of the phrase "primitive man," which we both agree might not be appropriate in this context. Justin hands the phone to Amy, and she tells me a bit about medieval wedding ceremonies, before she utters the golden phrase, "weddings are really just a public acknowledgement of a relationship, anyway." I don't know why, but this phrase was the catalyst for exactly what I wanted to express. I thank Amy and then, almost at once, end the call, the wedding script, and my two months of writer's block.
6:00 PM Arrived at the, what, wedding hall? It's the Lawrence Visitor's Center by day, and as I arrived I found that it was still essentially serving this purpose. Everything related to the wedding was on the periphery of the room, waiting to be unpacked. The building was essentially two large rooms connected by a very narrow hallway, one room for the ceremony and the other for the reception. There seemed to be a flurry of activity, but considering the state of things an hour before the ceremony, it might be best to refer to this phenomenon as just a "flurry."
6:10 PM The room was showing the beginnings of transformation now. There were an awful lot of people doing...things, though not much was getting done. I approached the groom and mentioned that I'd still really like to at least discuss the ceremony with him and the bride. He took me to the women's restroom where the bride, still in pajamas, was getting made up by three or four women simultaneously. Shocked looks from all of the women as I entered their space. At first this gave me pause, but then I remembered that I'm a fucking holy man now and continued in unabated. I ran through everything, as close to a rehearsal as we got, and left the ladies room.
6:15 PM Things were starting to come together, in as much as there were now rows of tables with associated chairs. All of the hundred-odd people seemed to be helping set up in some capacity. I wondered whether it's expected for the officiant to help decorate. I realized that since no one knew that I'm the officiant I just looked like the one asshole friend not pitching in, so I decorated some tables.
6:40 PM I found the world's largest container of potato salad in the hallway. A giant box, originally destined to hold hanging files judging by its shape, contained no less than twenty-five gallons of potato salad.
6:50 PM I entered the ceremony room in time to see a woman hang a giant Jesus-bearing crucifix on the wall directly above my designated spot. She caught my eye and recommended that I, sans microphone, face the wall away from the audience to conduct the ceremony (speaking really really loudly, I guess?) so the bride and groom could face their friends and family. She had the nerve to suggest that no one came to the wedding to see my face. I said in bad faith that I would take it under consideration.
6:58 PM The groom and I stand at the ready. I was facing the crowd, with him standing in front of me sort of sideways. I resisted the temptation to smirk at the crucifix woman. There was some music playing at the back of the room. The groom had instructed one of the ushers on which track to play when, but it didn't seem to be going well since the groom was repeatedly yelling "No, TRACK 4!"
7:00 PM I saw the wedding party lined up in the hallway. The entire audience was standing and turned around to face the wedding party as they march down the aisle. It's only now that I remembered that I was supposed to make a few announcements, and did so just in time to interrupt the beginning of the procession. Announcements concluded, a song that was distinctly not the wedding march played for a few seconds, followed by the more familiar tune. There were tea candles along the aisle on the floor, and as dresses passed over them I envisioned concluding the evening in the burn ward. As I began my introduction, all five babies in the room started crying simultaneously.
7:05 PM As I hit my stride, I noticed that everyone was still standing. I paused to consider how best to tell people it's cool to sit down, but as soon as I stopped talking everyone sat down at once. Crisis averted! Oh, also: my voice totally cracked when I say the word "maturing." Classic.
7:15 PM I officially exercised my ability to marry two people.
7:30 - 11:30 PM The reception was nice. As a part of her toast, the maid of honor referenced a (hilarious) porn clip that we all watched the night before, after the "rehearsal dinner." A number of people let me know how awesome I was. The women running the food line were pushing the potato salad really, really hard. As the night began to wind down, I wondered whether it was expected that the officiant help clean up after the wedding.
Posted at: 22:04
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If you can read this, then your ISP's DNS has updated to reflect my hosting changes. Congratulations! You have probably read about Dreamhost's gigantic fuck-up at the top of the year, through which they accidentally billed their customers for $7.5 million in erroneous charges. Thankfully I had my credit card on file and not my debit card, or I would have gone through overdraft hell. So while this didn't really affect me that much financially, I have to say that I found their official response to this situation to be rather unprofessional. Next time, guys, it might be a good idea to leave out the picture of Homer Simpson and the screengrab from Office Space...
So I decided to shop around a bit. At first, it seemed like I actually had a pretty good deal at Dreamhost, paying $9.95 monthly. Most other hosts that had been recommended to me have yearly billing cycles, which didn't really appeal to me. Also, my needs are rather meager, so I don't need 300 gigs of (oversold) bandwidth.
This is where my new host comes in. There's no monthly fee, they just bill based on usage. Sort of like the prepaid phone of web hosting world? Except actually a value, and maybe not a scam? It came highly recommended by anonymous goons, so I figured I'd give it a shot. Based on my usage records at Dreamhost I should expect to pay less than $2.00 monthly, which suits my needs just fine.
Thus concludes this scintillating coverage of the current status of my web hosting. I now return you to wall-to-wall coverage of Heath Ledger's death, already in progress.
Posted at: 14:18
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Nothing says "good start to the semester" like 8 inches of snow and 25 mile-per-hour traffic on the highway between Kansas City and Lawrence. I freely admit that I have a bit of a short temper at times, but even I was shocked by the vitriol issuing from my mouth on the 45 minute turned 2 hour commute this morning.
Did I mention that I'm officiating a wedding this weekend? Shawn and Liz are getting married on Saturday and asked me to officiate. I like to think that this is a reflection of their respect of my oratory prowess, but I know that it's because I was the cheap option. I'm getting fairly nervous, actually. I haven't had to "perform" like this in some time, and I'd really prefer not to ruin their wedding. But, you get what you pay for I guess.
I just got the new Blonde Redhead album, and I'm totally smitten. Misery is a Butterfly is one of my top favorites, and I was pretty disappointed to discover that it was a major departure from their earlier work. 23 is excellent, and like Misery is likely an album I will listen to non-stop for months. I keep hearing people refer to Blonde Redhead as "shoegaze?" I've never heard that before.
Posted at: 19:01
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